I'll Have A Soda With My Joke!

 

Matt loved soda. All day he drank nothing but soda. All night he dreamed about soda. All he ever talked about was soda. 

At school Matt's teacher told the class to write a paper on how they spent their summer vacation. "I want you to write about who you met, how you felt and the things you did."

Matt went home and thought about his summer vacation and then wrote his paper. When the teacher passed out grades Matt saw he got an F on his paper.

"But why did I get an F?" he complained to his teacher.

"I told you to write about how you spent your summer vacation. I wanted you to write about who you met, how you felt and the things you did."

"I did just what you said," Matt insisted.

Matt's teacher frowned and then read his paper out loud: "Pepsi Cola came to town. Mellow Yello knocked him down. Coca Cola picked him up. Dr. Pepper fixed him up. They're all friends now." 

Matt smiled. "I had a great summer." 

He still got an F on his paper.  

McJokes Are On Us!

 

 

 Picture from Free Clip Art 

 

 Little Patty was on the playground playing happily. Suddenly a bully walked up and started making fun of her. "Look at the little patty!"

"You better stop making fun of me!" Little Patty warned.

The Bully laughed. "And what are you going to do if I don't, huh?" 

"I'm going to tell my brother! He's really tough!" Little Patty promised.

"Oh, I'm so scared!" The bully started to squawk like a chicken. 

"You'll be sorry!" Little Patty ran off and got her brother and brought him back. The bully gulped and ran off when he saw him. "Yep, bullies always run away when they see Big Mac!"

 

 

 

Ants In Your Joke!

 

Peter was excited to go to a family reunion. "I can't wait to meet everybody!" he told his parents "By the way, where is the family reunion going to be?"

When his parents told Peter where the family reunion was going to be he ran inside and grabbed a can of bug spray. "Okay, I'm all ready. We won't have any problems!"

"Why did you grab a can of bug spray?" his parents asked.

"Well, you told me the family reunion is going to be held at Aunt Hills!" 

 

Don't Be Afraid (Is 41:10)

 

Don't Joke With Your Food!

 

Why was the hot dog so tired? It could never mustard enough strength to ketchup to his friends! 

 

Did you hear the pizza got a sunburn? Yeah, it was always being served hot and ready! 

 

Why did the milk work out all the time? Because it wanted to look good for the Dairy Queen! 

Why can't anyone get a cookie sad? Because a cookie is happy even when the chips are down! 

 

 

Why did the ice cream end up in a mental hospital? It had a complete melt down! 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

My Brother Ain't So Smart (Joke Series)

 

My Brother Ain't So Smart 

Daily Joke

(Jokes are part of the 'My Brother Ain't So Smart' series by Paul Flanagan. Jokes are not for reprint. All rights reserved). 

My brother ain't so smart. His wife invited her mother over for dinner. When she arrived my brother had all the dinner guest face the dining room wall. His mother-in-law asked him why he had all the dinner guest face the wall.

 

My brother replied, "Before you arrived your daughter said you like to talk behind people's back. Now everyone's back is to you so you can talk away!"

 

 

Hey, It's Time For Some Yogi Jokes!

 

Picture from Free Clip Art 

 

Why was Yogi's best friend so sad? Because everyone called him Boo Boo! 

Why didn't Yogi Bear ever get upset? Because everyday was a walk in the park to him! 

Did you hear Ranger Smith hated working with Yogi? Yeah, he had to Bear each day! 

Did you hear Boo Boo had to go to the eye doctor? Yeah, he was always teary eyed! 

What is Ranger Smith's favorite snack? Bear Claws!

How does Yogi leave his computer during the winter months? On hibernation mode!

Did you hear Yogi got in trouble with the law? Yeah, he got a Parking ticket! 

Did you hear Yogi went crazy? Yeah, he stole too many fruit baskets! 

Did you hear Yogi stole some picnic baskets? Yeah, he barely escaped with them! 

Why was Yogi the funniest bear around? Because had a bunch of ties to some good jokes!   

 

 

 

 

Showing Compassion

 

Snow Mail Today Jokes

 

Roger the Snowman was getting ready to go check his mailbox. His wife asked him why? "We never get any mail," his wife complained.

Roger sighed. "I guess you're right. We never get any mail."

"Well maybe we would," Roger's wife fussed, "if you stopped giving all of our friends a cold shoulder!" 

 Where do Snowmen go to get their mail? The Frost Office! 

 Junior Snowman was sick. His mother brought him a bowl of hot soup. "Aw mom," he complained, "now my nose is really gonna run!" 

Betty the Snowman had just finished vacuuming her home when her children ran in and spread snow everywhere. "Look what you children are doing! You're making my clean rug all white again!" 

Bob the Snowman hated his job. He asked his boss for a transfer. "Why?" his boss asked. 

Bob threw up his hands and exclaimed: "Because I work with a bunch of flakes!"   

 

 

Love Your Enemies

 

Uncle Moishy - Pizza Song

 

The Fruit of the Spirit: Self Control

 

Loving God

 

Laugh With Tom and Jerry

 

Picture from Free Clip Art Library

 

Why couldn't Tom trust Jerry with a secret? Jerry was a real ratfink! 

Why couldn't Jerry ever keep a secret? He was always letting the cat out of the bag! 

Why didn't Jerry invite Tom to his birthday? Tom always brought cheesy presents! 

Did you hear Jerry played a lot of pranks on Tom? Yeah, he set up a lot of mousetraps! 

Did you hear Tom and Jerry moved to different places? Yeah, they liked to write about their 'Tail of Two Cities'.  

Who did Tom cheer for when he watched Inspector Gadget? Dr. Claw!

Did you hear Tom got in trouble with the law? Yeah, he was caught Cat Littering! 

Who does Tom have a crush on? Catwoman! 

Did you hear Jerry worked as an eye doctor? Yeah, he had to take care of three blind mice! 

Why does Tom tell the best jokes? Because all of his jokes have nine punch lines!  

 

 

 

Family Joke Time

 

Peter wanted a raise in his allowance. "Dad, I really need the extra money buy a new bike!"

Peter's dad thoughtfully rubbed his chin. "If you do some more chores I'll give you five extra dollars a week," he tried to make a deal. 

"But dad, I need the new bike now!" Peter complained. "It'll take me forever to save up the money."

Peter's dad thoughtfully rubbed his chin again. "Okay, if you  wash my car,  I'll give you the money you need."

Peter smiled. "Wow, dad, I can do that. You bet!"

Peter took off to wash his dad's car. An hour later his dad found him playing video games. "Why aren't you doing your chores? I thought you needed money for a new bike."

"Well, dad, I tried. But I couldn't finish washing your car." 

"Now, son, that's all I told you to do. You shouldn't be a quitter. You have to roll up your sleeves and put some elbow grease into your work. Now, do you want your new bike or not?"

"Yes, but--"

"No excuses!" Peter's dad fussed. "Now you get back outside and finish washing my car right now!"

"But dad, I can't," Peter insisted.

"Then you don't get the money you need for your new bike." Peter's dad announced and walked away. 

Peter sighed. "Gee, what a time for mom to have to go grocery shopping."

 

 

A Sweet Joke

 

Roger the Donut was nervous about trying out for sports. 

First he tried out for football. No good. He kept fumbling the ball.

Next he tried out for baseball. No good. He couldn't hit the ball.

Then he tried out for basketball. No good. He couldn't make a basket. 

Each day he came home feeling sad and disappointed. His parents told him to keep trying and to never give up.

One day Roger ran home and in an excited voice exclaimed: "Mom, dad! I found a sport I'm good at!"

"What sport is that?" his parents asked.

"Golf! I'm always making a hole-in-one!" 

 

Technology Makes Me Sick Jokes

 

Picture from Free Clip Art Library 

 

How did the nurse tell the computer to eat his soup? She told him to take megabytes!  

Why do computers make great firefighters? Nothing can get past their fire walls!  

What does a female computer like to wear when it goes out on a date? Software! 

Why can't a computer get hurt? It wears a lot of hardware! 

Did you hear the computer had a good cleaning job? Yeah, it had a bunch of Windows to clean! 

Did you hear the computer was fired from its job? Yeah, it was always Asleep!

Did you the hear the computer wanted to be famous? Yeah, it really wanted to be on the big screen!  

Why isn't a computer good at debating? It keeps getting shutdown! 

Why did the computer get taken to the hospital? It received a horrible screenshot! 

Why can't a computer ever get over being sick? It never has enough Vitamin C in it's drive! 

 

 

Whacky Fun Jokes

What did the bird say to the sleeping man?

I'm sorry, I have to go! 

 

Did you hear the dad always went crazy at breakfast?

Yeah, he was cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!  

 Why did the turkey get scared when he saw hunters putting up a tent? There wasn't enough stakes around!  

                   Did you hear the Chef would only come out and cook at night?

Yeah, he would only cook Moon Pies!  

             Why happened after the turtle fought a bunch of outlaws at high noon?

He spent the rest of the day picking up all of his shells!

 

My Sarcastic Turtle

I wanted to paint my house. My turtle said he would help. I joked and said, "No thanks, if you help it'll be slow going!" 

I thought my joke was funny. My turtle did not.

 

 

My turtle took all the paint and covered me with it. Then he grinned and told me my jokes were now colorful. After that he went inside and watched cartoons for the rest of the day.

 

Now when my turtle offers to help me paint I just hand him a paint brush and keep my mouth shut.

 

I have a very sarcastic turtle.  

My Brother Ain't So Smart (Joke series)

 

My Brother Ain't So Smart 

Daily Joke

(Jokes are part of the 'My Brother Ain't So Smart' series by Paul Flanagan. Jokes are not for reprint. All rights reserved). 

My brother ain't so smart. He took his family to an amusement park for a fun day out. When it came lunch time he vanished. His family had to call a friend to drive them home. When they got home they saw my brother looking depressed. His wife asked him what was wrong and why he had left the amusement park.

 

My brother answered, "At the amusement park our daughter said she wanted a hot dog for lunch. It's been hot all day but I haven't been able to find a dog. I've been looking for hours and now it's cooling off. Looks like she won't get her hot dog."

 

 

Ketchup With JESUS

 

Time For The Jokes To Fall

 

Picture from Free Clip Art Library 

 

Why did the leaf hurt itself when summer ended? It was always 'Falling' down! 

Why did the tree get along with Grizzly's when Autumn arrived? Because it was very 'Bare'! 

Why did the Turkey get a belly ache? Because it always 'Gobbled' its food down!

Why were birds afraid when it got dark during the Autumn months? They were 'Scare Crows'! 

Where do people get flat tires fixed during Autumn? At 'Pumpkin Patches'! 

What do people who greet people like to do for fun during the Autumn Months? They like to go on 'Hay Rides'. 

What apple is a little old and arrives late but makes Autumn great? 'Granny Smith'!

Did you hear the autumn months worked for the CIA? Yeah, they're full of 'Prairie Spy' Apples! 

What do Churches play during the Autumn Months? 'Hay Bales'! 

Why is a tree so funny during Autumn? Because its jokes are always 'Colorful'!