Blow Me Down, It's a Popeye Joke

Picture from Free Clip Art 

Popeye was preparing to cook a great meal, only he was missing one very important thing. "I need to go to the grocery store!" he told himself.

He went to the grocery store and explored every single aisle. "Blow me down, what I need ain't here!" 

Popeye went to a second grocery store and then a third. What he needed wasn't at any of the grocery stores. He went home wondering what to do. 

"Now I can't cook the food," he fretted.

Then the door bell rang. Popeye answered the door. When he saw who the visitor was he yelled: "Blow me down, you're just what I need!"

"What are you talking about?" the guest asked in a confused voice.

Popeye grabbed the guest and ran her into his kitchen and exclaimed with a big smile: "I need some Olive Oyl to cook with! You arrived just in time!" 

 

A Cold Front is Bringing In These Jokes

 

Did you hear the banker was cold? Yeah, his accounts were frozen! 

Did you hear the first-aid kit wanted to play hockey? Yeah, it wanted to belong to a good ice pack!  

Why did the snowman get made fun of? It had a really bad frost bite! 

Why didn't Santa Claus let his reindeer go to Diary Queen on Christmas Eve? All the reindeer wanted Blizzards!

Why couldn't the snowman ever perform on stage? He always got cold feet!

Why were all the criminals so cold? They were always being told to freeze!

Why did the sun love going to the North Pole? It loved to make a slushy! 

Did you hear all the cows got caught outside in the cold? Yeah, all they could make were milk shakes!

Did you hear the snowman wanted to start eating healthy? Yeah, it started to eat corn flakes!

Did you hear the snowman became a famous comedian? Yeah, but he could only perform inside of ice rinks!  

 

Happiness

 

The Happy Mechanic Joke (For the Kids and Parents)

 

Ralph was a very kind and caring mechanic. One day a sad car came into his garage. The car tried to joke with him but didn't do a very good job. 

"I might be an Oldsmobile, but I'm as wild as a Ford Mustang and I spark like a Buick Electra...well...sort of."

Ralph felt bad for the car. "What seems to be the problem?" he asked.

"I've got a runny hose and my I'm overheated...get it." The car just sighed.

"Is there anything else wrong?" the mechanic asked in a concerned voice.

"My spark plugs are wrinkled and I've got a lot of gas," the car shook his head. His jokes came out miserable. 

The mechanic felt awful for the car. "Is there anything else?" 

The car groaned. "I guess I can't steer you into laughing at my jokes."

The mechanic felt really bad that the car was so sad. "Well, let me take a look under the hood."

"I wouldn't. The only thing running under there is me when I tell my jokes. Nobody likes my sense of humor. They throw tomatoes at me."

"You can't be that bad," the mechanic tried to cheer the sad car up. 

The car started to cry. It sprayed windshield cleaner all over the mechanic. "My windshield wipers can't even wipe away my tears!"

The mechanic wiped water off his shirt. "This is serious. I better take a look and see what's wrong."

The mechanic took a look under the hood. It only took a minute to see what the real problem was. "There. All fixed," he announced after a while. "Now everyone will love your jokes again!"

"What was the problem? the car asked in a happy voice.

"Oh, nothing serious. Your timing was off. That's all. Now you can be funny again!" 

The car honked its horn in joy and sped away. The mechanic laughed. "Yep, a good joke requires perfect timing." 

 

A Mouth Full Of Jokes

 

Did you hear the dentist like water sports? Yeah, he liked to paddle through a root canal!

What does a dentist give his patients as a treat? Gummi bears!  

Why doesn't a chef go near a dentist? The dentist has a lot of food extracts!

Did you hear the dentist was very, very smart? Yeah, he had tons of wisdom teeth!

Why did the dentist think he was a king? He had plenty of crowns!

What does a dentist put in his pie? Dental filling!

Did you hear the dentist took a second job? Yeah, he became a drill sergeant!

Did you hear the dentist hated to look messy? Yeah, he always kept his teeth brushed! 

Why didn't the dentist say a word when he was in shock? Oh, he was just too numb to talk!

Why doesn't the dentist like teeth to be funny? He's worried they might crack a joke!  

 

My Sarcastic Turtle

My turtle came home and asked me what was for dinner. I joked and said, "We're having turtle soup!"

I thought my joke was funny. My turtle did not.

My turtle shoved me into a pot and cooked me until my sense of humor simmered down. 

Now when my turtle ask what's for dinner I just hand him a cook book and tell him to pick out something.

I have a very sarcastic turtle.  

 

My Brother Ain't So Smart (Joke series)

 My Brother Ain't So Smart 

Daily Joke

(Jokes are part of the 'My Brother Ain't So Smart' series by Paul Flanagan. Jokes are not for reprint. All rights reserved). 

My brother ain't so smart. His wife invited her mother over for dinner. When she arrived she saw my brother hiding all the dinner knives as fast as he could. His mother-in-law asked him why he was hiding all the dinner knives.

 

My brother answered, "Before you arrived your daughter said you are the kind of woman who likes to stab people in the back. I don't want you hurting any of the dinner guests!"

 

 

 

Grumpy Old Jokes

 

Why did the old man dread the sun coming up? He hated the dawn of a new age! 

Did you hear the old man refused to tell the truth about his diet? Yeah, he had too many false teeth in his mouth!

Did you hear a single person wouldn't work for the old man? Yeah, he lost all of his hearing aids!

Did you hear the old man went to a dance in his wheelchair? Yeah, but when he got there he transferred over to a rocking chair! 

Why did the old man call his doctor? He had to Ensure he was okay! 

Why didn't the old man ever try to finish a book? He was only a Wrinkle In Time!

Why did an antique dealer go to a Senior Citizen Center looking for watches? There were a bunch of old timers there! 

Did you hear the old man never took a bath? Yeah, he wanted to reach a ripe old age!

Did you hear people came from all over to the fill up their car at the old man's house? Yeah, he had plenty of gas!  

Why was the comedian upset about turning 70yrs old? Because getting old was no joke! 

 

Pooh's Fluff and Stuff Idea

Photo from Free Clip Art 

Winnie the Pooh was walking through the woods. He looked up and saw a huge honey bee nest. "Oh boy, honey!" he exclaimed.

The only problem there were a lot of bees protecting the nest. How was Winnie the Pooh to get any honey? He tapped his head and thought and thought and thought.

Then he had an idea,

He ran and found Rabbit. "Rabbit, I need your help to get some honey. Come with me."

Next Winnie the Pooh found Piglet. "Piglet, I need your help to get some honey. Come with me."

Then he found Tigger.  "Tigger, I need your help to get some honey. Come with me."

Winnie the Pooh went back to the tree holding the honey bee nest. Rabbit, Piglet and Tigger weren't sure what to do. "Pooh," Piglet asked, "what are we supposed to do?"

Winnie the Pooh pointed at the honey bee nest. "Watch and see."

He picked up a rock and threw it at the honey bee nest and then ran behind the tree. All the honey bees saw Rabbit, Piglet and Tigger standing below. They attacked. 

Rabbit, Piglet and Tigger screamed and took off running. Winnie the Pooh crawled up the tree and got all the honey he wanted. "Ah, it's great to have friends." 

VeggieTales: It's A Meaningful Life

 

God So Loved The World

 

Don't Be Bluey With These Jokes (For The Kids)

Picture from Free Clip Art  

Did you hear Bandit became a famous chef? Yeah, he had the world's greatest Chilli!

Why didn't Bluey's sister like going to church on game night? Everyone kept yelling 'Bingo'!  

Who two things does Aunt Trixie like on the 4th of July? Stars and Stripes forever!

Why does Aunt Trixie hate doing laundry? She always comes up missing Socks!

Why did Chilli call the police? There was a Bandit in her home!

What does Bluey do when it gets cold? She starts looking for some warm Coco! 

Did you hear Bluey wanted to play baseball with an apple? Yeah, she tried to hit it with a fruit bat! 

Did you hear one of Blue's friends got in a fight at the grocery store? Her friend had to Judo Chop the food! 

Why couldn't Bandit's Mum ever have guest over for dinner? She could ever find her glasses! 

Did you hear Bandit loved to go to comedy shows? Yeah, one comedian was totally Rad!  

Make A Joyful Noise

 

Before And After Marriage Photos

All Pictures From Free Clip Art  

  

Ride The Range With These Jokes

 

Did you hear the cowboy was the first one to ever think up a computer? Yeah, he was always putting in post! 

Did you hear the cowboy could only work on a ladder? Yeah, he worked when it was high noon!

Why did the cowboy get mad when he went to the store? The store didn't have any horse shoes! 

Why did the cowboy take his rifle to the eye doctor? The rifle was having problems with it sights! 

Did you hear the cowboy became a driving instructor? Yeah, he went on a lot of cattle drives! 

Did you hear the cowboy tried to open a dry cleaning business but failed? Yeah, everyone was afraid of his shooting iron!

Did you hear the cowboy's horse wasn't very nice? The horse wanted to reign the world!

Why did the cowboy take his gun to anger management classes? His gun was getting into a lot of fights!  

Did you hear the cowboy studied science inside of a jail? Yeah, he wanted to understand how cells worked!

Why did the cowboy tell jokes at ranches? There were plenty of hands to clap for him!  

Mario's Bathroom Joke

Picture from Free Clip Art 

Mario was assigned a great assignment at work. He went home and thought and thought and thought. Finally he came up with an idea. 

For days he worked and worked. One day Luigi came over and asked Mario what he was doing.

"I have to build the perfect bathroom," Mario explained. 

"What kind of bathroom are you building?" Luigi asked.

"I'm building a bathroom that makes a pizza every time you flush the toilet!" Mario excitedly exclaimed. "It will be great!"

Luigi frowned. "Mario, Mario, Mario," he said, "it will never work!"

"Why not?" Mario demanded.

"Because every pizza will have stinky cheese on it!"  

Mario thought about what Luigi said and threw down his wrench. "Oh well," he sighed, "it was only a pipe dream." 

 

10 Signs That You Are Going Crazy

 

1. You believe Batman is a cool super hero

2. You brought Mr. T to school when you were told you were going to be on the A-Team

3. You think your grandfather's false teeth are going to take over the world

4. You still read Archie and Jughead comics 

5. You tell your teachers you miss school all the time because your absent minded

6.  You mail every cat you find to ALF

7. You send Santa weight loss books for Christmas because you don't want him to get stuck in your chimney

8. You have a phobia about Thanksgiving because your friends call you turkey all the time 

9. You are always looking for a #1 yellow pencil instead of a #2 yellow pencil

10. You read my humor blog everyday 

 

***only be worried if #10 on this list applies to you***

Lets Work Out With These Jokes

 

Did you hear the body builder loved seafood? Yeah, all he ate were mussels! 

Did you hear the body builder had to go see a psychiatrist? Yeah, all of his problems were weighing him down!

Why did the psychiatrist tell the body builder to stay off his treadmill? Because the guy was always running from his problems!

Why did the body builder's wife get mad at him? Because he never lifted her up when she felt down!

Did you hear the body builder played an instrument that wasn't smart? Yeah, all he could play were dumb bells!

Why did everyone get hurt when they worked with out a body builder? The body builder kept dropping pounds! 

Why did the body builder keep putting on weight? Because lifting a hundred pounds was a piece of cake to him!

Why did the body builder's wife take him to anger management classes? Because he always hit the showers after working out!  

Did you hear the body builder always had a positive attitude? Yeah, he always told people to keep their chin-ups!

Why did the body builder's jokes help people lose weight? Because his jokes made people sit up and laugh!  

 

Let's All Praise Jesus

 

A Clean Joke

 

Louie was an alley dog. He scrounged around for scraps all day and slept in a trash can. One day a flea jumped on him. Before Louie could start to scratch he heard the flea start to sing. 

"Wow, you're good!' he exclaimed!

Right across the street from the alley was a talent agency. Louie had an idea. He stood out in front of the talent agency and pretended to sing. People were amazed.

A talent agent immediately signed Louie on and made him famous. Louis and his friend the flea went everywhere. They ate the best foods and slept in the best hotels. 

But the one thing Louie never did was take a bath. Finally one day he was told to take a bath or else! So Louie took a bath. During his bath his friend the flea left. "I hate baths!" the flea yelled. 

Louie was very sad. When he couldn't sing anyone his talent agent fired him. Louie went back to his alley. His friends asked him what happened.

"I cleaned up my act and and took a flea bath. Now I'm dirt poor and itching to be famous again." 

 

 

Laugh With Daren Streblow

 Christian Comedian Daren Streblow

Come along and enjoy a buffet full of clean laughs! 

                                           Don't Be Afraid to Laugh Until You Cry!

                                                        

 

 

A Chip Off The Old Hockey Puck

 

Steve wanted a son more than anything. All he dreamed about was teaching his son to play hockey. 

When his wife became pregnant the doctor told him the baby was going to be a boy!

Steve was thrilled. He prepared everything for the arrival of his son. He made the nursery look like a hockey arena. He bought hockey sticks and pucks and skates. "I can't wait to teach our son how to play hockey." he proudly told his wife. 

Then the big day came. Steve's wife was rushed to the hospital. He paced back and forth around the waiting room while his wife gave birth to their son. Then the doctor came out smiling. "You have a handsome, healthy, son!" the doctor announced.

"Oh boy, can I see him?" Steve anxiously asked.

"Well," the doctor's smile turned into a curious expression. "I'm not sure you should until you get on some protective gear and hockey skates."

"What do you mean?" Steve asked.

"Your son was born with a hockey stick in his hand. He wants to play a game."

"Oh boy!" Steve took off into the delivery room like lightning. "Our first game!" 

The doctor watched Steve go into the delivery room. Steve came back out a few minutes later missing some teeth. "Steve, are you okay?" he asked in a concerned voice.

Steve just sighed. "My wife put my son in the penalty box for roughing and gave me a penalty for holding." 

 

 

Fear Not

 

Don't Arrest Me For These Jokes

 

Did you hear the cop went crazy while on duty? Yeah, he went dough-nuts! 

Why was the cop so tired before going on duty? He was busy chasing his speeding tickets! 

Did you hear the cop got fired because he wasn't good at math? Yeah, all he knew was his 10-4's!

Why was a cop called to a restaurant? All the food went bad!  

Why did the celebrity demand a cop arrest a burglar? The burglar was stealing the show!

Did you hear the cop quit his job? Yeah, he was feeling imprisoned all the time!

Why did the cop carry tons of super glue with him? He was always taking coffee breaks! 

Why didn't the cop want internet in his home? He was tired of high speeds!

Why did the cop get called to the doughnut shop? There was a ring of crime inside!

Did you hear the cop got called to the house of a comedian? Yeah, the jokes being told were criminal! 

 

My Sarcastic Turtle

My turtle was feeling old and depressed. He also felt like he couldn't fight good anymore. I joked and said, "I bet you wish you were a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle again."

I thought my joke was funny. My turtle did not.

My turtle brushed up on his karate lessons and then came home and kicked my butt while yelling 'Cowabunga'! 

Now when my turtle is feeling old and depressed I just take him to Chuck E. Cheese and give him plenty of game tokens. 

I have a very sarcastic turtle.  

My Brother Ain't So Smart (Joke series)

 

My Brother Ain't So Smart 

Daily Joke

(Jokes are part of the 'My Brother Ain't So Smart' series by Paul Flanagan. Jokes are not for reprint. All rights reserved). 

My brother ain't so smart. He wanted to go to the gym and work out because he thought getting in shape would make him look very smart. He left his home and arrived back within a short period of time looking very annoyed. His wife asked him what he was doing home so soon.

 

My brother answered, "I can't go to the gym and work out to look smart. There's nothing at the gym but a bunch of dumbbells." 

 

 

I’m A Special Kid

Jokes From the Foxhole

 

Why was the soldier sad on movie night? He couldn't find enough Colonels to make popcorn!

What did the soldier say when he was asked how his day went by his commanding officer? Oh, nothing Major happened today!

Why did the soldier go outside of his classroom to eat lunch? He wanted to eat in the Chow Hall! 

Did you hear the soldier was overly eager? Yeah, he wanted to be the First Sergeant! 

Why did the soldier get in trouble on the firing range? He was caught reading a lot of magazines! 

Did you hear the soldier like to travel in style? Yeah, he liked to fly Private First Class all the way!

Did you hear the soldier got into trouble? Yeah, he left while marching because he couldn't get it right! 

Did you hear the soldier got in trouble again? Yeah, he had to do a lot of General chores! 

Did you hear the soldier was a great musician? Yeah, he was great at playing a lot of basses! 

Did you hear the soldier never got in trouble for being funny? Yeah, he always camouflaged his jokes!  

Fun Veggie Tales with Archibald Asparagus

Photo from Free Clip Art  

Dear friends, this is Archibald Asparagus. I come to you with a most amusing tale. Please read along if you wish to have a few good laughs. Our journey together will be most splendid! 

You see, it all began when Bob tried to become a comedian. No one liked his jokes. Everyone threw tomatoes at him!

Then  Petunia Rhubarb went looking for a man to help her fix a flat on her car, but all she could find was Larry Boy instead!

As if that wasn't bad enough, boys and girls, Mr. Neezer found bad rumors when he went to weed his garden!

Oh dear, it was quite a day. But when night arrived so did more humor. Follow along if you wish.

Mr. Lunt feel in love with a cheeseburger during dinner! Oh my, it was hilarious!

Mr. Neezer got jealous and began singing a song about his chocolate bunnies all night! Oh, it was a riot! 

Then morning came. Oh, the fun continued.

Pa Grape went to work at the newspaper. He found a story that was really juicy! 

But the story made Madame Blueberry very blue!

So Bob tried to tell more jokes to cheer her up. Needless to say, Larry Boy couldn't save him from all the bad tomatoes that were thrown at him! He just wasn't man...uh...cucumber enough!

Oh, what a life we live in Veggie Town. Join us next week for more fun and laughs if you wish! Until then, have a blessed, fun, day. 

 

Praise Forever

 

It's Time To Teach These Jokes A Lesson

 

Did you hear the school had nothing to do? Yeah, it was really bored!

Why didn't the math teacher believe his student? Because his story didn't add up!

Did you hear the science teacher went to his lab to fill out report cards? Yeah, he liked to experiment with grades! 

Why didn't parents like their kids going to school? All the schools in their area had no Principles! 

What did the English teacher do when her student got in trouble? She sentenced him to detention!

What did the Physical Education teacher show his students on the television? A lot of gym shorts!

Did you hear the student loved shop class? Yeah, he was the perfect model! 

Did you hear all the students in art class got bad grades? Yeah, they all kept drawing bad conclusions! 

Why did the student run out of class screaming? His report card was full of B's! 

Why was the History teacher so boring? His jokes were a thing of the past!  

 

 

Hang In There With These Jokes

(All Pictures Taken From Free Clip Art) 

Why was Wiley Coyote a great writer? He always left his stories off on cliff hangers!

 Did you hear the Road Runner was always mad when it drove a car? Yeah, it 'Beep Beep' the horn all the time! 

Why did didn't Daffy Duck like the kind of music Bugs Bunny liked? Because Bugs Bunny always listened to Looney Tunes!

 

 Why didn't Tweety Bird get into college? He was too much of a bird brain! 

 

Why didn't Marvin Martian like to wash dishes? There were too many flying saucers around! 

 

 

Grab Some Popcorn With These Jokes!

 

 

Did you hear the movie had a high credit score? Yeah, it's ratings were outstanding!

Why were the movie goers looking all over the movie theater? They were trying to find part two to their movie! 

Why did the movie goers go to the playground? They were told their movie would start playing soon!  

Did you hear Sherlock Holmes went to the movie theater to catch criminals? Yeah, there were a lot of  piracy happening! 

Why was the doctor called to the movie theater? The movie had a painful review! 

What did the box of popcorn tell the movie goers? You better butter up to me! 

Did you hear the movie theater was full of flies? Yeah, it didn't have enough Screens to keep them out! 

Did you hear Peter Pan loved to go see a certain movie? Yeah, the movie never grew old to him! 

What did the skunk tell his parents when he got home from the movie theater? The movie I saw really stunk! 

Why did the comedian take his wife to the movie theater on Valentines Day? He wanted to see a Romantic Comedy with her!  

Don't Be A Pew Potato

 

Shir Ahava (A Song Of Love) - שיר אהבה - Hebrew Worship

 

God Is The One

 

Some Sweet Jokes

 

What do astronomers like to eat? Milky Ways!

What did the astronaut find in outer space? A lot of Mars Bars!

Did you hear the candy bar lost it's animal? Yeah, it went around yelling: Here Kit Kat!

Where does a rich candy bar live? On Fifth Avenue! 

Did you hear the candy bar was in debt? Yeah, it owed a Thousand Grand!

Did you hear the candy bar was always very happy? Yeah, it was always filled with Almond Joy!

Why was the candy bar so clumsy? It had Butterfingers!

What day of the week does a candy bar love the most? PayDay! 

Did you hear the candy bar failed its math test? Yeah, it got a Zero! 

How does a candy bar laugh at a joke? It Snickers to itself!

Don't Let Scrooge Ruin These Jokes

 

Why did Scrooge call an exterminator? There were a lot of Humbugs around!

Where does Jacob Marley have to work on Christmas Eve? On the Chain Gang!

Did you hear Scrooge was was taken to the hospital? Yeah, on Christmas Eve he was found to be heartless!

Did you hear Bob Cratchit threatened to send someone to beat Scrooge up? Yeah, but Scrooge wasn't afraid of Tiny Tim! 

What didn't Scrooge want for Christmas? The Ghost of Christmas Present!

Did you hear Scrooge was having a bad hair day? Yeah, he was wearing a horrible Fezziwig! 

How did Scrooge find his way around in the snow? He always followed the dollar signs!

Why couldn't Jacob Marley ever get a girlfriend? He was always ghostly in appearance!

How did Scrooge pay Bob Cratchit? With cold hard cash! 

Did you hear Scrooge refused to throw a Christmas Party? Yeah, he didn't want any visitors from the Past, Present or Future to show up! 

 

Don't Stay Home Alone With These Jokes

 

Why was Marv so healthy? He had plenty of Iron in his system! 

Did you hear Marv really wanted to take a step up in life? Yeah, he really wanted to nail his success! 

Did you hear Marv and Harry became famous? Yeah, they stole the show! 

Did you hear Marv and Harry had to take swimming lessons? Yeah, they had to learn how to become Wet Bandits!

Why couldn't Harry rob a house alone? He was too chicken! 

Did you hear Marv and Harry were dull? Yeah, they decided to paint things up!

Did you hear Marv couldn't get any ideas? His thoughts were always in the basement!

Why didn't Harry want to rob Kevin's home? Yeah, the house was too hot to handle! 

Why couldn't Marv rob Kevin's home? Shoes were required! 

Did you hear Harry made a great comedian? Yeah, his jokes were on fire!

 

 

May I Have Your Attention Please!!!

 

Attention all Comedians at heart!!! I'm now accepting jokes! All submissions must be clean. I will not accept jokes that are vulgar. 

This is the time to show the world your funny bone! 

 

Jokes can be anything that is fun and innocent. Nothing political or religious.  Make your jokes fun and silly. Don't hold back! 

 

Have fun! 

 

I will put your name under your joke and where you are from. For example: Seth from Brazil.  

  

Use the contact form on the blog to send in your jokes! This offer will expire December 31st! Hurry while offers last!

 

Super Jokes For Super Kids

 

Why was the Flash great at telling jokes? He was really fast when it came to the punchlines! 

Did you hear Batman got dizzy bird watching? Yeah, there were too many Robins around!

Why did Superman fly into outer space in the 1960s? He wanted to be far out! 

 

Did you the hear the Incredible Hulk hated to go to school? Yeah, he had to learn to deal with his temper!

 

Did you hear Spiderman is always on the internet? Yeah, he's searching for a web of crime! 

 

 

Bible Word Scramble

 

 https://bibleversenow.org/bible-games/word-scramble

 

 

A Bear Called Paddington - Michael Bond

 

Winnie-the-Pooh by A. A. Milne read by Phil Chenevert | Full Audio Book

 

When I Pray

 

My Sarcastic Turtle

It was autumn and my turtle wanted to grow a prize winning pumpkin. Instead our neighbor won the contest. I joked and told my turtle, "Don't be green with envy!"

I thought my joke was funny. My turtle did not.  

 

My turtle colored my face orange and drew a clown on it. Then he made me stand in his pumpkin patch to scare away scarecrows. 

Now when my turtle wants to grow a prize winning pumpkin and loses I just tell him winning second place isn't so bad.

I have a very sarcastic turtle.